A gift for your teenage daughter (11–15): let her choose

Between eleven and fifteen, a girl is putting together her own identity: clothes, music, her bedroom, her friends. Something she chose says “this is me”. Something a parent chose often says “this is what I think of you” — and at this age that is a sore spot.

Psychologists call it the need for autonomy: we experience things as our own when we get to decide about them. In teenagers that need is at its strongest, because they are only just starting to separate from their parents.

Then there is a wider finding about gifts. In a study by Francesca Gino and Francis Flynn, people who received presents valued what they had asked for more than an unrequested “original” surprise. The givers assumed the opposite — that a requested gift would feel impersonal. With a teenage daughter, that mistake costs even more: a miss isn't brushed off with a polite “thank you”, it ends up in a drawer as a reminder that nobody listened.

Letting her choose doesn't mean giving up on a personal gift. What makes it personal is that you listened and that you trusted her — not that you caught her off guard.

These presents are usually well meant, but your daughter hears something else in them. You can spot them because they make more sense to you than to her.

There are several ways to leave the choice to her. They differ in how much work falls to you, how much to her, and how much surprise is left.

The card is where you get to be personal. Keep it short, no lectures and no “when you're grown up”. Lines you can borrow:

For a grandmother, an aunt or a godmother the same applies, with one advantage: they can ask her parents what's on the list and avoid doubling up. The gifts that fall flattest are the ones more distant relatives choose based on how they remember her from three years ago.

If you really have no idea, it's more honest to give money with a note about what it might be for than to buy something blind. There are more ideas for grandparents in A gift for your granddaughter, and an overview for every age in Gifts for your daughter by age and stage. If you're also shopping for a boy of a similar age, have a look at gifts for your son by age.

A book in which your daughter is the heroine feels like magic to a seven-year-old. To a thirteen-year-old, as a surprise, it often feels babyish — exactly the kind of gift she has outgrown.

It's a different story when she makes it herself. In the Hero of the Book creator she can pick a world and a plot, or write her own story, and choose one of 20 illustration styles, such as anime or graphic novel. The finished e-book is usually ready within 15 minutes. Older girls tend to make one for a younger brother or sister, or as a present for Grandma, rather than for themselves — and that counts too, because they're the ones making the decisions. How a book like this comes together is explained in The personalised book.